I pour a strong drink. It comes from being the my father’s son. You see my father was very specific about his beverages. At breakfast, he wanted coffee poured immediately, and at dinner, he wanted to be offered a drink, stat. It got awkward when he started ordering cocktails at breakfast, that’s when the beatings [...]
As a bartender, I feel like a Dad sometimes. Like a father, I have to show love, but sometimes I have to be a disciplinarian. One of the things that I’m sure Dads do, if they’re honest with themselves, is play favorites. I’m not saying pit one child (customer) against another, but when you step [...]
If there were a statistic for classic lines spoken behind the bar, Kevin Kearns would be Michael Jordan. One of my favorites occurred when a customer asked if we take American Express. Kevin replied, “We take cash, Visa, Master Card, American Express, or Breasts.” There is another category where Kevin leads by light years, getting [...]
There are a handful of critical moving parts in a bar that when they go wrong, the whole place can go to shit. Last week, the refrigeration unit in the keg room started acting as a heater. It’s one thing when people think you only serve draft beer, it’s another when you can’t even serve [...]
Kimi and I like to joke about saying completely ridiculous things to customers every time they order. Mine would be. ”Yeah, you will!” As in, I’ll have a Dewers rocks.” ”Yeah, you will!” I’ve never done it because that kind of humor just doesn’t translate in the real world. In case you’re wondering where I [...]
…and all through the bar, not a customer was stirring, not even a douche bag. Who you gotta fuck to sell a drink up in this piece?! I guess I deluded myself into thinking that people would come out on a Friday night, especially since the next day no one but a handful of food [...]
Yes, they capitalized “SANTA” because there were Santa hats as far as the eye could see. I know I said that you can spot the douce bag in a bar by the fact that he/she is wearing a Santa hat, and, yes, there were douche bags amongst the Santa hat wearers, but it seemed a [...]
I guess it’s this slow every year this time of year. I don’t know why. Do people say, “It’s almost Christmas, I’m gonna stop going out.” I’m sure the rain didn’t help. It was perhaps the slowest night of the year. Luckily, the bands brought some people. If it weren’t for the Carneys giving us [...]
I’ve got a test you can do in the next couple of weeks. If you’re in a bar and you want to find the biggest douche bag, look for the Santa Hat. If, of course, you find someone after the next thirteen days wearing a Santa Hat in a bar, they probably just have serious [...]
I know, I know. I’ve had more politically correct titles. The original title for this post was “The Abortion.” But then I feared people would think that the post would be about me knocking up some girl. In fact, I never have, because I learned at a young age that you can’t get a girl [...]