First the holocaust, now this. I was tempted to title this post, “Worst Night Ever.” I didn’t change it because the night wasn’t that bad, it was. I just want to save that title for when something really bad happens, like the bar gets hit by an asteroid (hopefully on my night off.) Kimi saw [...]
Bartenders and whores have many things in common. Most importantly, they are both occupations for the young. I know that aging bartenders move to day shifts or the airport and I’m sure whores aren’t much different. Every once in a while I’m reminded of my age. Yesterday it was merely minutes after I clocked in [...]
Saturday should’ve been epic. First of all, it was SATURDAY. Second of all, it was nearly eighty degrees in Santa Monica. I figured if there was gonna be a Saturday that was a vast improvement over the joke of a night Friday was, it would’ve been last night. It was better, if only for a [...]
I truly love the anonymity of the internet. I can kick back in the privacy of my own home with a bucket of lube and a never ending stream of fascinating videos. (I’m partial to the ones where the tranny gets fucked by the water buffalo.) Unfortunately, there’s a dark side to the anonymity. (Yes, even [...]
After a long night, one of the most cathartic moments is ringing the bell for last call. Personally, I like to ring the shit out of it. On a regular night, I bellow loudly, “Last Call.” On a really tough night, I’ll shout out, “Get the fuck out!” Sometimes I just want them to leave. [...]
What started as a dead Saturday afternoon, got crazy for one reason, Planet Social Sports. For those unfamiliar, they’re a group of men and women who get together to drink heavily, but prior to that some sort of softball, kickball, or flag football takes place. Much like the Hash House Harriers say they are a [...]
I pour a strong drink. It comes from being the my father’s son. You see my father was very specific about his beverages. At breakfast, he wanted coffee poured immediately, and at dinner, he wanted to be offered a drink, stat. It got awkward when he started ordering cocktails at breakfast, that’s when the beatings [...]
As a bartender, I feel like a Dad sometimes. Like a father, I have to show love, but sometimes I have to be a disciplinarian. One of the things that I’m sure Dads do, if they’re honest with themselves, is play favorites. I’m not saying pit one child (customer) against another, but when you step [...]
If there were a statistic for classic lines spoken behind the bar, Kevin Kearns would be Michael Jordan. One of my favorites occurred when a customer asked if we take American Express. Kevin replied, “We take cash, Visa, Master Card, American Express, or Breasts.” There is another category where Kevin leads by light years, getting [...]
There are a handful of critical moving parts in a bar that when they go wrong, the whole place can go to shit. Last week, the refrigeration unit in the keg room started acting as a heater. It’s one thing when people think you only serve draft beer, it’s another when you can’t even serve [...]