This Is Your Life
On a slow night, I try and figure out a title for my blog. I got to work in the pouring rain and there were only two customers watching Braveheart. Personally, with the exception of special events, presidential debates, elections, or the Oscars, I feel that there should only be sports on our TVs. Every once in a while I catch a bar back or cook watching a telenovela, which sends the wrong message to our customers on so many levels. In any case, my original title was “They Might As Well Be Dead,” which is a lyric from The Beatles’ “Rain.” It goes, “When the rain comes, they run and hide their heads. They might as well be dead.” A very fitting title for any rainy night in Los Angeles; but, luckily, this was not any ordinary, rainy night.
Happy hour was pretty much dead. I inherited the two Braveheart watchers from Steven, who warned me, “These guys are characters.” Steven says “characters,” I say “douche bags.” Let’s call the whole thing off. Actually, one of them was alright. The other one looked like a body double for Jason Lee on “My Name Is Earl,” including and especially, the seventies porn star mustache. He was loud and annoying. I remember seeing Braveheart for the first time and thinking it was long, but with commercials and no customers it seemed interminable. I know. I know. There’s a bunch of fantasy footballers our there saying, “Shove your Miata up your ass, Homo!” I don’t mean to badmouth the manliest film ever made, but watch it at home. Normally, I really dig happy hour, but yesterday I was not enjoying it. If it weren’t for conversing with Nicole and Karen, I would’ve probably done something unthinkable, like clean. Thank God for Karen whose tip doubled my take.
Aoife and Kimi came on and it did not pick up. Aidan O’Leary, a friend, regular, and one of the original Legends, was having a going away party. Since he’s moving back to Ireland, he had a bi-pub crawl, Finn’s and O’ Brien’s. The crew was supposed to be at O’ Brien’s at nine-thirty. Now I love my friends, but there is no way I will ever set my watch to one of their appointed times. During this down time, I was able to identify the douche bag of the night. He was tatted up and walked in with a hot chick. Tattoos are a funny thing. I would only get one if I could figure out what I would want on my body for the rest of my life. Well, that, and I cant find a hairless spot on my body. I’m thinking of an eyeball tattoo. Now, this douche decided that small skulls were something he wanted to take to the grave. He ordered two shots of Jaeger and two Patrons on the rocks with very little grapefruit juice. I made them healthy cocktails and poured the slightest drop of grapefruit in. I’m sure you know where this is going. He took a few sips and said, “There’s too much grapefruit in here.” His girlfriend chimed in, “Mine, too.” Normally, if someone doesn’t like a drink, I throw it out. In this case, adding more Patron would have the same effect. I grabbed the bottle and his girlfriend said, “I was kidding.” I believe she was surprised that her dude was trying to mooch an extra shot. I poured it and got the standard, “Thanks, man, I’ll take care of you.” Of course, you will, it’s your girlfriend’s tab. The next one he ordered I opened the can, set it in front of him, and made sure he added the grapefruit himself. When I set the can down he thought it was the funniest thing ever. I should take that shit on the road.
It wasn’t until eleven that the proverbial good times began to roll. Aidan and the crew descended on O’ Brien’s, better late than never. With the exception of Paulie “Diapers” Vandewater, it seemed like every one who had ever been a regular was in the bar. It was great seeing everyone again. Eight years ago I could go down to O’ Brien’s on any night and there would be a good sized crew hanging out, forget about Friday and Saturday when everyone was around. Not long after the crew came in, Jason Fineberg, a friend from elementary and high school walked in. I remembered that there was an elementary school reunion that night and after dinner they came into the bar. It was a trip. I had seen most of them at the reunion in September, but it’s still pretty wild, twice in twenty years. It was so awesome having them in. Around midnight it slowed down and I went from behind the bar to see my old school pals. That’s when I saw her. Of all the “B” rated, formerly rat infested pubs, she had to walk in to mine. Liza, former girlfriend of Live and Let Date fame, was in town from New York. She stopped by to surprise me. I told her that I knew she was coming to town. She was shocked. How could I know? I explained to my technologically, Amish friend that when one writes on a “wall” on facebook, anyone can read it. Note to readers: if you don’t want someone reading a conversation on facebook, send an e-mail.
I mentioned to Kimi at one point that I couldn’t get a beat on the night. It seemed packed for an hour and then it would thin out. Sales weren’t great, but tips were. I can’t begin to thank everyone for their generosity. It was a great start to the David Garber Dental Fund. I would name names, but I would feel bad about forgetting anyone. I’ll just say that Martha Bane belongs in the O’ Brien’s hall of fame. The thing I love about my job is that I never know how a shift is going to turn out. It could start off pouring rain and miserable and end up as an episode of “This Is Your Life.”
