Novocain
It’s quite an impressive drug. Just a few shots and your whole mouth is numb. I was told that it would last for two hours. It’s been two and a half and my jaw still feels more swollen than the elephant man’s skull. Yes, I went back to the dentist for my shakedown, a crown and fillings on two cavities.
First of all, I’m back on wheat, although I did stumble last Wednesday when I visited Fig, at the Fairmont Miramar. There’s something about a warm demi-baguette in it’s own paper bag with a side of green butter that I have trouble saying “no” to. I got my lab results back from my physical the other day. Everything indicated normal except my cholesterol had gone up. It was still in the “normal” range, but I didn’t expect it to rise after I stopped smoking. Also, my diabetes test was on the higher end, too. There’s a note written, “I recommend a more careful low fat diet.” Giving up wheat cut out onion rings, chicken strips, fish and chips, cake, cookies, etc., I figure I’ve already cut out a fair amount of fat. I guess this means no more butter tacos.
I rode my bike over to the dentist. Maybe it’s watching the first season of The Sopranos, but I expected a confrontation over payment. Maybe it was being treated like a deadbeat at my previous appointment, but if there was any mention of money prior to services rendered, I was ready to blow. And, no, I don’t mean “blow,” as in, instead of paying for services, I mean “blow” my top. The issue was never raised, which was a good thing, because Tiny, the receptionist, was looking seriously tough. I was lead into the back room. I took my seat and was tilted back and lowered. The first part of the treatment was sticking a fourteen inch needle in my mouth filling it with novocain. What began as a minty taste in my mouth soon turned to turd. At this point, I had to initial some papers discussing the risks of the procedure. Way to get me hepped up on goofballs first. I asked the dentist how long the procedure would take. She replied, “Forty-five minutes to three hours, depending if you’re good or not.” Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve got six hundred bucks that was going to be transferred from my pocket to hers, but there was nothing funny, nor cute in her answer. She jammed a jaw stopper in my mouth, keeping it ajar, then came the drill. Although my mouth was numb, I could still smell smoke emanating from my mouth. It smelled a lot like burnt hair. There was a pool of saliva gathering at my epiglottis. I had to swallow. Big mistake. There’s nothing like the taste of tooth dust in your saliva to really delight your taste buds. I tried to lay still listening to my IPod. Every once in a while, I would notice that my entire body was rigid. I would loosen up only to tense up a few seconds later. After about forty-five minutes, it was over.
I walked got out of the seat exhausted from catatonia and inhaling enamel smoke. My mouth felt thick. I figured I was mumbling more that I usually do. Tiny told me I sounded and looked great, then she told me I owed five hundred and eighty-five dollars. I gave her six hundred and waited for change, and waited, and waited. Turns out she needed the dentist to sign the receipt and get the change. Pretty efficient system. The dentist finally freed up to sign the receipt. She went to their dental register. I said, “Go get your purse.” She came back with a five and ten ones. Is she somehow telling me that I have to tip? She apologized for the singles. “Been dancing?” I asked. She responded, “Maybe,” and left to see to another patient. Tiny gave me a tip to get feeling back in my mouth. Ice cream. She told me it works for her and her daughters. She looked like she’s had a few scoops in her day. And it turns out there’s a Coldstone across the street. I headed over to the Creamery and ordered sweet cream with brownies (back on wheat). The woman behind the counter couldn’t understand a word I said. Yes, I was speaking like I had a broken jaw. I finally made it clear to her what I wanted and I got it. I took a few bites and realized that I couldn’t taste a thing. Great. I chucked it in the trash. I threw away perfectly good ice cream. Fucking novocain.
sure didn’t xylocaine?”