Notes on a Cocktail Napkin

I made two resolutions for the New Year. The first one was to give up wheat, which didn’t start until the Second of January. My second resolution, to quit smoking, took over three weeks to put in motion. I quit smoking last February when I got sick. I figured if this what a cold feels like, I don’t want to feel lung cancer. I quit until August Fifteenth, the night we got shut down, when I cavalierly bummed a smoke from Gator, who said in his gravelly, Southern drawl, “North Carolina thanks you, Garber.” No, I never got an actual thank you note from the boys down on Tobacco Road, but after a hundred and sixty packs or so, I shouldn’t wait any longer for them to write.

I hadn’t thought about hypnosis until one Saturday night when I was having a smoke with a woman who raved about it for smoking cessation. Ironic, I know. She did quit and was an ardent supporter, something in her just started smoking again. I figured if it worked for this woman, briefly, who I didn’t know, maybe it would work for me. I found Dr. Nancy Irwin on the internet of all places. She was pretty much the only hypnotist I was considering until I heard that an acquaintance quit through hypnosis. Alas, his guy charged over five hundred, while my gal charged only three hundred. Yes, I can be quite frugal, and am a value shopper even when it comes to ending habits that can curtail my life by many years. In any case, I finally pulled the trigger and called Dr. Irwin last Tuesday. She sounded cool on the phone and offered to get me in that Friday, which was a little too soon for me. First of all, I didn’t feel comfortable going smoke free then working twenty of the next thirty-five hours. I’ve come inches from bludgeoning frat boys for taking a maraschino cherry out of the fruit tray, when I did have my fill of nicotine. Quitting on a Friday was not an option. Also, shouldn’t there be a long waiting list to get into see this lady? The other doctor I was considering supposedly had a three month back log of patients to see. I was concerned that maybe he was better. I put it aside and made an appointment for Monday at one o’ clock. Dr. Irwin left me with one piece of advice, “Between now and Monday, smoke your brains out.” Done and done.

After chain smoking for five days, I showed up for my appointment with one Parliament Light left. I filled out some paperwork and Dr. Nancy Irwin showed me into her office. I was to be there for two hours. The first hour or so, we discussed my smoking history (I started late and smoked on and off for ten years), the amount I smoke (I buy a pack a day, whether I smoke em’ all is another story), how the brain works (it’s mostly subconscious and easily persuaded: “These are not the droids you are looking for.”), and what hypnosis is (see previous.) After getting all that out of the way, it was time to party. I was sitting in a chair across from her desk. She asked me to turn the chair to the side and answer a series of questions. I can’t for the life of me remember the questions. (Luckily, none were about the consumption of fish semen.) They were yes or no, non-verbal responses. I only had to nod or shake my head. This helped her determine her approach. She asked me to picture my left hand in my mind’s eye. Then she mentioned that my eyelids would flutter, which they did, which made me laugh, which she said was okay. Phew. Then she tried to pull some Jedi mind trick on me about how my left arm was “light as a feather” and “held up by helium balloons.” She really wanted my left arm to rise. I almost shot it up just so we could move on to the stop smoking part. Instead, she moved on to my right arm. She came from around her desk and asked me to extend it and make a fist. After that she had me get up and moved me to a reclining chair. This is where the fun began. Occasionally, she would mention that I was going into a deep sleep and clap her hands, which scared the shit out of me the first time. I don’t remember much of what she said, but I was conscious the entire time. Towards the end she asked that I remember when I started smoking. She asked for verbal responses which were tough since I wasn’t fully awake making conversation a struggle. She did something where I was in a movie theater and watched my smoking life as a black and white film. Then as the projectionist I would rewind the film, losing frames along the way, then watch it again in color. It’s weird but the film seemed to disappear. At the end, she counted to five and I opened my eyes. My body felt super heavy, and not just cause I’m morbidly obese, but I seemed to be in a deep state of relaxation. She gave me a CD of the session which I have to listen to when I go to sleep every night.

I walked out feeling great. She seemed to instill some positivity into my subconscious. I did think about cigarettes but not in the “when am I’m gonna smoke my next one?”. It’s more like, “I’ve been without for two hours, I usually have one now.” I was feeling on top of the world until I realized that I had a flat tire. I pulled over at Centinela, north of Olympic, and called Triple A. Normally, the first thing I’d do is pull out a smoke and wait. Nope. The guy came out in fifteen minutes, filled my tire with air, and I drove it to Stokes Tire Pros. They talked me into a couple of new tires. I, also, picked up a new bedside clock radio with a CD player. My previous one I got in September of 1988 before going off to the college. I figured I could splurge on a new one after twenty years. I didn’t expect to drop nearly six hundred dollars in four hours (the clock radio was only fifty), but you never no where the day will take you.

One of the things that kept me from quitting this time was becoming a manager here at the bar. There are so many hours in the night and smoking a dozen cigs can kill at least one of those hours. It’s eleven-thirty and I haven’t had the desire to smoke. Also, the last time I quit, I couldn’t shove enough food in my mouth, but this time, I have no jones to binge. I’m not twelve hours into it, but so far I feel it was a good investment. If you’re trying to quit smoking, or if there’s anything you want to change, I would strongly suggest hypnosis.

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