Notes on a Cocktail Napkin

I had lunch at Subway, today, twice. There was my post-workout 11 ayem lunch, then my 2 p.m. post-lunch lunch. The 5 dollar foot-long sub is one of the last great deals around. I guess when it started most of the subs were 5 bucks. Now they have a list of about 8 different subs that cost 5 dollars. They’re all approximately a 20% savings, except for the Veggie Delite, which costs about 5% more. I’m not sure why they bone you for not putting meat in your sandwich. Perhaps the owners are Chinese and look down upon those who don’t harm animals for their meals. I’ve only been a handful of times since they’ve started this outrageous deal. If I go, it’s usually after the gym in the mid to late morning. If you show up between noon and 1, it looks like a mid-80′s bread line in downtown Vladivostok.

The first time I went, I ordered a foot-long turkey on whole wheat. I figure if it’s good enough for that formerly obese, cunt Jared, it’s good enough for me. When I paid, the total was exactly 5 dollars. No sales tax. I love that. I’m really into round numbers when it comes to transactions involving currency. I, also, love receiving quarters, as change. The Pavillions on Lincoln gives me dimes and nickels. I’ve stopped shopping there, but that’s a whole other post. Today, my first foot-long cost $5.41. It’s still a good value but I don’t know why they added the tax. (I wasn’t gonna ask because my Spanish doesn’t extend past telling someone to go fuck a donkey, and I know 200 ways to call someone a homosexual. It’s a great language.) I know at Coffee, Bean, and Tea Leaf, the scourge of the coffee world, they charge sales tax if you order something for in the store but if it’s to-go, then there’s no tax. Even though I can’t stand “The Bean” as some call it, at least they have a code. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned in life is that you’ve got to have a code.

I arrived for my second foot of sandwich. The line wasn’t too long. I got the same chicken breast sandwich, which I can’t believe is an actual breast. (I’m guessing Subway found a chicken breeder who created a chicken with a narrow six inch breast. Very impressive.) I got said sandwich twice because it’s the only one on the 6 grams of fat or less that isn’t marked up. When I got to the cashier, the teenager in front of me had a 5 dollar sub, too. (The ham and cheese for those keeping score at home.) His total was 5 dollars, no cents. Awesome. I was next. My total: $5.41. I didn’t freak out. I took a deep breath and said in my best Spanish, “Chinga un burro, maricon!” It didn’t solve the issue of the sales tax, but I felt so much better.

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